Jan 16, 2023 11:46:05 AM
Me
Yo
It’s been an incredibly rough 5 days and counting until our next session.
I feel underlying hostility from Liz sometimes. Like she wants to either yell at me, or tell me to get out of the house. I’m not sure.
What I do know is that she said divorce
I know I do NOT want that at all.
However we’ve not talked, really talked about things in years, and Covid hit, I went to the dark side and got MYSELF back with no help from her and now it’s “game over?”
I understand that I hurt her.
She does not seem to understand it’s not in me to hurt her no matter WHAT state of mind I’m in. I would NEVER DISHONOR HER, and I will
MARK MY WORDS…
DIE ON THAT HILL TO MY DYING DAY.
the millisecond I sensed distress I was next to her face hearing and seeing her cry when she took the pillow off her head that SHE PUT ON.
Up until that moment I heard and saw her crying, intimacy was proceeding like it had FOR YEARS. Her reactions, like allowing me to take off her pants, pulling a pillow over her head because she likes it dark. And soon after I got out of bed for a minute to disrobe. She didn’t move, had the pillow over her face and head, and could have gotten out of bed, or got up and told me to leave, and I would have. I mean look at how long I’ve waited, years, to have triathlon in the rear view and I can finally spend time with her. But no, I’m getting tossed out of my marriage because why?
I was mentally ill? I needed help and refused. Well then have an intervention. Don’t let me go deeper and do nothing.
All I wanted was her to acknowledge I existed and cared about me. THATS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.
I was incapacitated and incapable to self advocate for regular Bert. He’s back and now has to sacrifice his family and wife.
None of it makes sense 😭😭😭😭
Ok off to bed big presentation tomorrow for work. Also, I kicked ass on my first project
None of the logic makes sense to me. Maybe because I’m in it. What am I not seeing? Other than she wants a divorce?
I mean the emotional and mental toll I took from all the rejection from her for years. I ALWAYS REPECTED HER WISHES no matter how hard up I was.
Fuck, it makes no sense
We’ve been married 22 years and together almost 30 and I’m all of a sudden just going to go off???
No, not happening and never did.
Why would I hurt my wife when all I want to do is love her?
Fuck I’m so sad 😭 crying writing all this
Why do I feel this is being used as a way to make a divorce happen because she knows no other way?
And her stare at me while I cry is empty of empathy or caring. It hurts a lot
Depressed about divorce. I don’t want it. I feel that this is the “bad times” we made a vow to be committed, and work thru it.
However I think Liz is so invested in her story of events that nothing I say or do will matter. Her mind is made up and she is very stubborn.
The unfairness of this, seeing I was clinically mentally ill, doesn’t excuse it.
I get no chance of redemption? After 20+ years and all the rejection I tolerated for years while she was training?
It feels fucking selfish to me honestly.
She got what she needed out of me, watch the kids while she trains to make Kona. Kona’s done so she’s done with me now.
I really cannot wait until tomorrow’s session. I plan to ask…
Why could you not keep your promise of connecting with me every week, especially when we missed a week?
This went on for years.
Your rejection over and over began to convince me you didn’t care. This went on for years.
Then it became like I was invisible here. Totally forgotten. I was a non priority, if that.
You promised me and I quote, “believe me, when something’s wrong YOU WILL KNOW!” That never happened, explain??
I realize I should have spoken up. However I was of the mindset that I was giving her what she wanted for training and I didn't want to “ be a cry baby “ because I wasn't getting attention. I was ALWAYS looking out for her best interests. I wanted her to succeed and achieve a life goal.
I kept thinking that when this is over (kona) well be able to connect again.
But no, she's apparently done with me.
What to do?????
I'm mad, depressed and sad all at once. Feeling terrible because I feel I'll end up getting a divorce and I don't deserve that.
She's always gotten her way in our relationship since she started chasing Kona. Over the years she's become accustomed to always doing what SHE wants and having her way. She had me literally begging for her attention more than once over the years.
We’ll my turn to get what I want.
I don't know if we’ll bridge this.
I'm concerned that she's been talking about her story in therapy and having it and her perspective of BEING RIGHT REINFORCED.
I'm very mad with her therapist who promised me we would come back and talk, but never have. I want to contact her and ask why?
She's allowing Liz to break more promises
As much as I look forward to telling my side of the experience, whenever that conflicts with hers, you lose. As if her side is gospel.
Make it make sense.
I’ve been a good person, a good husband, and a good father my while life why so I deserve this?
Think of it this way.
How many other times have I been rejected and done nothing? Dozens of not hundreds
I would never dishonor my wife no matter what state of mind. Someone could hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t do it.
Yet that’s what I stand accused of.
Why hasn’t time even begin to heal wounds? Im fine waiting as long as I have to in order to show her I’m worthy.
I love her so goddamnd much this is SO HARD TO ENDURE.
And I was on the Death Star for a while and came back.
This is that level of intensity
Why on earth would I traumatize my wife after watching what my mother went through while I was getting it too. She put up with so much. Talking physical and emotional violence, breaking shit all over the house going on a rage fest.
I would never bring that kind of suffering to those I love, least of all her
I feel, while not perfect, I’ve been a good husband and father to our boys. I am human, and they make mistakes. I’m feeling compassion for others suffering and their inability to get beyond it.
This past year I got past some suffering. I forgave my father for all his shit. I feel compassion for what he went thru being big brother to 5 little brothers and sisters at the age of 13 after your dad got sick and died. No one did counseling back then.
He’s carried his demons all his life and to some degree still does. I think he’s got alot of unresolved issues he may not know about.
My point being, after all he did to me, my mom, and Russ, all the suffering and lifetime of mental troubles he loaded us all with. I stopped being angry this past visit and finally saw a human being who has carried his demons all his life and never been able to take them on. It’s sad because my dad would have had a vastly different life if his father had lived, and I think that haunts him.
I feel deep compassion and sadness for him. I also love him as a flawed human being - which is like us all.
I feel deep compassion, sadness, and remorse, guilt and shame for causing Liz suffering.
I in turn have unleashed a self hatred like no other while trying to find a way off the Death Star.
My self inflicted suffering these past 18 months have been brutal. I’ve been back and there again in my mind so many times, each time focusing on another angle or perspective in my quest to understand just what I did to Liz.
I feel that I’ve studied it well and truly understand it’s impact.
I feel lucky that I can see and understand this. It truly makes me happy that I can look at something from all angles and take it all in.
For the first time in my life last year I did find brief moments of peace where my mind was truly at meditative rest. Quite blissful and nice to visit.
This needs to be shared with her in seeing
Share this in counseling
Just thinking that I’m grateful Liz is open to keep talking.
Makes me think. If one were truly set on divorce would you waste time going thru motions of counseling?
I don’t think I would, I’d be done.
How can you be done when we’ve sat in counseling sessions 3 times in 30 years? That’s a sign of selfishness if you ask me
It’s my way or the highway.
My marriage in a sentence
Although that may not be overtly the mantra someone is living by, it’s how I’ve felt for past 6-7 years
Only she can give you insight into how she felt violated? From my understanding she said she knows you would not hurt her. - although this may be best asked in counseling
We’ll be done by 3:45pm PST
I will let you know how it goes.
Please please send good energy and mojo my way!
I need all the good energy I can muster to be prepared and present without becoming emotionally a mess.
Last time, our first time, I lost it when she wanted a divorce. The grief and anguish that swept over me I could not stop.
Been processing the grief all week
When she said she wanted…
Hearing her say that put a sword 🗡 thru my heart 💔
Can’t remember if she said one, but July 4th came up and we’re going to talk thru that today.
I guess we’ll each state our side of the story and then work through it.
We’ve not done this and I regret passing on the chance when Liz took me to her therapist. She asked if we should talk thru it and I didn’t want to run Liz thru the trauma again. 😢
I clearly said my intention was to work through this and keep our marriage together.
I’m hopeful that somehow, someway she’ll truly and deeply show compassion, forgiveness, and mercy to me but that may never come and I’m fully awareJust re
d the term “toxic loneliness” and that fits the last 5 years for me
We’re supposed to talk about that night. But for me context is everything.
Rejection, begging for sex, and when it did happen I was asked “make it quick.”
How’s that for a live life?
Went on for years and I sucked it up. Didn’t want to seem weak and like a crybaby.
In my mind I was helping Liz with Triathlon by demanding less from her.
Well that didn’t work out
I’m not sure how you talk about the night without talking about the relationship before. This is a good question to ask the therapist
Men have been taught that talking about there feelings and needs is weakness. This universal belief is the cause of many broken relationships. Everyone feels, everyone has needs and speaking your truth is a strength not a weakness.
That is correct. I knew nothing of her state of mind until I could hear her upset after she moved the pillow she was holding on her head. Before that, it was like any other evening dozens of times before.
I’m ok journaling about it, but I wanted to ask you what to avoid. Should I journal and then send it your way to proofread?
Upon reflection Laurie (therapists name) did keep asking me questions and did make a point to make sure I knew I was being heard. She was deferential to me in a way that stood out, I felt we focused on me 90% of the time.
Anyhow something else stood out at the end. Laurie thanked Liz for showing such grace.
I reread the definition and it’s the “act of showing kindness or compassion to someone who doesn’t deserve it.”
I’m in the middle of this and think I’m making too much of it. The anxious mind is creating stories it’s trying to sell me on.
Anyhow would welcome your opinion and feedback.
Am i selfish?
Truly and really am I that contemptible? Am I in a denial of some kind? because of my mental issues blocking me seeing it?
Regarding “everything was status quo for a normal evening together,” it seemed like a regular night, but I was buzzed and wanted to connect with Liz. However, I also was severely depressed and not fun to be around. She had an aversion to me that feels like it’s now in cement.
On the other hand, she was terrified of me despite knowing I wouldn’t hurt her.
Sometimes when triggered, I can get emotional and raise my voice. If you remember my father, yes, I can be LOUD and come with a vibe like I’ll hurt you if you don’t listen to me.
I am not contemptible to myself. I once was, but learned to accept myself and all my human flaws this past year. I’m cool with me.
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